I'm soo sorry. I really am. I'm sorry that the pain of the last year has changed me. I'm sorry that I seem to be angry and stressed all the time. I'm sorry if you've tried calling me and I ignored you. Or avoided your eyes at church when you tried to get my attention. I'm sorry if I never texted you back. I promise It's not you, It's me. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to talk about how I'm doing. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm tired. I feel like a failure, and there's only soo many times I can deal with the pity in people's eyes. Sometimes I'm soo stressed that I honestly forget that you've called me. I'm overwhelmed. I'm hormonal. I feel like I'm going crazy.
I'm sorry I wouldn't come to your baby shower. I'm happy for you. I promise. I'm just sad for me, and I don't like being sad. I'm angry because people look at me like they pity me, and I don't like being angry. I don't like being pitied.
I'm sorry you're uncomfortable around me. I'm sorry that I was open with you about my infertility and now you don't talk to me. I'm sorry you feel guilty that you have kids and I don't. That wasn't my intention. It was just one of the few times I wanted to talk. I thought it would help build a friendship.
I'm sorry I told you I couldn't go out to lunch with you. I really do like spending time with you. But I'm on a budget, and it rarely includes spontaneous outings with friends. All of our money goes to infertility treatments. In Vitro Fertilization isn't cheap, and insurance doesn't cover it. In fact, insurance hardly covers any form of infertility treatment. So when I politely decline an invitation, it's not because I hate you. It's just that I don't have the money for luxuries like that right now.
I'm sorry for cancelling plans we had. I'm not a flake, I promise. I didn't know my medication would effect me like this. I'd rather be hanging out with you and doing something exciting, but I'm afraid to leave the house. I'm soo tired. I have migraines so bad that I feel like puking. I hate having to find a bathroom stall just to stick myself with needles. I feel like a heroin addict.
I'm sorry you were worried to tell me that you were pregnant. I never
wanted it to be like this. Had I know it would be this difficult, I
would have never have brought it up. I like when good people have
children. I think good people should have more children. Just because
you get a baby, doesn't mean there is one less for me.
I'm sorry I won't sit next to you at church. I love your family. I think they are perfect. But I don't want to be sad at church. It's petty, I know. I'm sad when I see my husband playing with little kids. I'm sad that I can't give him that. I want to be carrying around my own little blue eyed/blonde babies. I want to raise my own children to serve others and be missionaries.
I'm sorry that I feel this way. I know better. I know there's an Eternal Plan. I know that if I'm obedient and faithful that all my losses will be made up. I know that not being able to have biological children is not the end of the world. I know that I just need to be patient. I know this. There is nothing you can say to make the pain go away. Believe me, you've tried. And I'm grateful.
I'm grateful for friends that have let me come over to vent when I was finally ready. I'm grateful for late night ice cream runs and visiting teachers. I'm grateful for my dog who accepts the duties of being my only child. I'm grateful for a husband who never complains and tells me that everything is going to be ok. I'm grateful for co-workers who don't make me feel guilty for leaving work early. I'm grateful for a family that encourages me to keep going. I'm grateful for science and heating pads. I'm grateful for character band-aids and 25 gauge needles. I'm grateful for that nurse who cared. I'm grateful for heated seats and acupuncture.
I should be grateful for my trials, but I'm not quite there yet. For now, I'm just sorry.
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